


Jumping in, heart first

by calie15



Category: Arrow (TV 2012)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Future Fic, Hurt/Comfort, Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-16
Updated: 2013-10-16
Packaged: 2017-12-29 13:54:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,605
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1006231
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/calie15/pseuds/calie15
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They could only hide for so long before they were left exposed, forced into putting their heart on the line.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Jumping in, heart first

With Oliver's hand on her back he led her to the dance floor. He was close to her side and his thumb pressed against bare skin. This was a bad idea. It was to soon. There were people around, to many people. Sure, she'd agreed to be his date. In fact, it made sense to attend with him. It was hosted by Queen Consolidated and Felicity's life revolved around working with Oliver. Everyone knew that. Now it was accepted to see her in his office, at his meetings, going to lunch with him, being picked up in his car. There had been rumors in the beginning, there still were sometimes, but she brushed them off, because it wasn't worth it. As long as people didn't know the real truth, or suspect it, then it didn't matter what they thought. And the real truth was that Oliver Queen was the Green Arrow and Felicity was a part of that. Mindless office gossip kept people from seeing what was really there.

So arriving in a car with Oliver to a Queen Consolidated function wasn't strange for her anymore. The rich, the elected officials, the corporate owners, they knew her. In fact, it was Oliver's favorite thing now to use her as his first line of defense, for everything. So when they wanted to talk to the CEO of Queen Consolidated, they called her. It had disturbed her at first, to realize all of a sudden she was such a large part of that life. 

Digg had smiled knowingly at the time when she voiced her worries. He’d stated, 'It's a compliment Felicity, from Oliver because he trusts you to decide what and when he needs to know things. Also, it says a lot of your reputation. People don't try sidestepping you to get to Oliver. They know it's through you or no way. If the people he dealt with had a low opinion of you then they would go right over you.’

Then one day she was introduced to someone and he cut off kindly saying, 'I know who you are, your Oliver Queen's Felicity Smoak.'

It wasn't that her name was known that troubled her, it was the apostrophe S following Oliver's name. Perhaps it might have been a little cave manish, but that wasn't what still wasn’t it. It was the fact that her life was devoted to this man, everything she did she did for him. It wasn't out of obligation or necessity. It was because she wanted to, and people knew that

'I wouldn't know what I'd do without her,' Oliver had responded with a sincere smiling, meeting her eyes. He meant it too. Felicity knew it wasn't that he was using her for her technological skills. Oliver needed her. He'd always made that clear. It was nice to be needed.

Of course, the fact that she was in love with him had a lot to do with her sticking around. She'd learned to deal with that a long time ago. That was a wound that was scarred her. Laurel, other women, she’d learned to deal with them. Felicity was an adult and that meant being able to accept when things wouldn’t go your way and move on from that. So she was okay now with loving him from afar. She was okay with his relationships (for the most part) and okay with dating other men. She had flings and somewhat serious relationships, but in the end they weren't enough, and half the time her job with Oliver was to much, it was to much for them. She had accepted a long time ago that one day she'd have to let Oliver Queen go so that she could move on with her life. But not yet.

Except something finally happened.

After three years it was a miracle she hadn't been shot sooner.

_Her eyes opened slowly, and immediately she was aware of the cold hospital room, the beep and pump of machines, the ache in her side. Next she noticed the warm rough hand holding hers. Felicity looked down the bed in pity at Oliver. He was sitting in a chair, bent over her bed with his head resting on folded arms atop the mattress and his hand clutching her own. He'd been there when she'd woken the first two times. She remembered the troubled look on his face, the relief, the tiredness in his gaze. She’d tried to talk to him those time, but she’d barely been able to keep her eyes open. He’d only shushed her, whispering that she should go back to sleep. Felicity thought he'd be gone this time. He wasn't._

_Slowly, she pulled her hand from his and ran it over his hair, over his cheek. The stumble scratched palm. It was longer then usual. Then Oliver's eyes opened and he was looking at her. They stayed like that for a moment, but then he was lifting his head and bringing her hand to his lips to press a kiss to the top of it. He'd never done that before, but before she could dwell on the action he was standing and rattling off the normal questions. How did she feel, was she hungry, did she hurt, did she want anything. After brushing off his questions and a requesting a bit of ice he seemed satisfied._

_As satisfied as he could be for a man staring out of the window of a hospital room._

_"This is a nice room," she observed._

_"My family made a large donation after the Undertaking. A request to have you upgraded doesn't fall on deaf years."_

_"Well you'd think they could at least keep the temperature above freezing," she mumbled. He was already adjusting the thermostat and she rolled her eyes. "Thanks." But he only nodded. "Well...” She began awkwardly, wishing she could lighten the atmosphere, that was fun." His head snapped around, eyes hard._

_"Don't," he snapped. "Don't do that right now."_

_But it was what she did. Felicity diffused intense situations with whatever silliness came to mind. She did it to keep him from falling into that dark abyss, even if it only meant a small smile from him. This time he was having none of it. "Don't you do this either. Don't do the guilt and self hatred. Don't take the sins of the world on your shoulders." Nothing she said seemed to be helping. Instead the anger seemed to burn stronger. He turned back to face the window and she began to wonder if he was purposely avoiding looking at her. "Don't you push me away either. We've gone though that, more then once. I know I'm not leaving, you know it, we know you can't make me, so don't try because it's only going to make me mad."_

_Oliver shook his head. "It's not that. I know I can't make you leave, even if I know you should."_

_She couldn't see his face, but his voice was low and she would swear it almost sounded sad, resigned to some fate. Even the strong line of his back and shoulders seemed to weaken by some heavy burden. "What is it?" She asked gently. He said nothing. "Oliver..."_

_"I don't want to say anything to hurt things between us," he finally said and looked at her, eyes flickering over her face, then he turned away again. "I know I got by before you-."_

_"Not very well," she mumbled and she could see him smile. It always worked._

_"Right," he agreed with a nod, sobering._

_There was more, and Felicity waited, but he took to long for her liking. "Oliver, whatever it is I don't think not saying it will make it any easier." A little voice in her head reminded her that she was in love with him and she didn't tell him, ever. That was a secret best kept to herself though, for everyone’s sake. His silence was maddening and she wished she had been in a position to approach him, instead she sat the bed up, hissing though her teeth in pain as her body moved with it. That got his attention and he was at her side again. Unforeseen advantage to her pain she supposed. "I'm fine."_

_"Fine?" He asked incredulously. "You're not fine Felicity!"_

_She widened her eyes at his outburst, but the dam was broken and she was relieved, so she didn't even try to stop him._

_"You almost died!" He raised a hand to his forehead and rubbed it before looking back at her. "I told you, I can't lose anyone else."_

_"Oliver," she began gently, "we know what the risk is." Her words didn't soothe him, instead he glowered down at her._

_"Risk? I know what risk is. But this I can't risk."_

_"Now you can't?!" She yelled back, wincing as her throat hurt. What the hell had they shoved down her throat? He opened his mouth to speak, but she continued. "Three years Oliver Queen! Three years and all of a sudden things are different? You can't go back. We can’t go back."_

_"I know that," he responded his voice even, quiet. "And I wish I could."_

_She gasped and she thought she saw pain in his eyes at her reaction, but maybe it was just wishful thinking. His words had been like a slap in the face. "What?" She whispered._

_"I wish I could go back and never involve you with this."_

_The first statement was a slap, the second could have been a knife to the heart, an arrow better yet. Tears stung her eyes, it hurt. Her heart hurt, making almost impossible to even speak. So perhaps she hadn't dealt with her love for him. "Why would you say that to me?" The tears were evident in her voice, but she didn't care._

_"Felicity, the worst thing I could have done bring you into this and fall in love with you."_

_She only stared at him, mouth gaping open, and finally she could see the emotions on his face for what they really were. Pain, fear, turmoil, sadness. That's what it was. He was in love with her and she'd almost died. And for having been in love with him for so long it seemed ridiculous that she didn't say the words. They stared at one another and then he turned, heading towards the door. "Oliver Queen don't you walk out that door!" He stopped, hand extended to the knob. "Don't tell me your in love with me and then leave me stuck here alone." It was enough, he turned._

_"This was a mistake," he said, seeming as if he was trying to regain his composure. "I shouldn't have said anything. It was safer not too."_

_Felicity was tired of playing it safe._

_"No, you don't get the right to take it back. You can't say you love me and then tell me that's a mistake. I deserve better then that!" Tears still ran down her cheeks, her heart pounded in her chest. She swore if he walked away again she'd hit the damn nurse button and scream until they drug his ass back._

_"You deserve better then me," he pointed out._

_"I don't want anyone else but you!" She cried out this time almost sobbing. Damn him. "Do you think your the only one struggling with falling in love with someone they shouldn't have?!"_

_As luck would have it the machines connected to her went off on alert. Oliver was at her side, panic on his face and she turned from the monitors and back to him, shocked, unable to register what was going on. The door flew open and she looked up to see a nurse burst in. "I..." She started. The nurse pushed past Oliver._

_"Your heart rates elevated Ms. Smoak. Mr. Queen, if you don't mind stepping out."_

_"No!" Felicity cried out without thinking. He stopped from moving away and the nurse looked between them._

_"Okay," she responded gently. "He can stay."_

_Felicity nodded and forced herself to relax. The nurse set about taking her vitals, every so often glancing up at her._

_"Everything checks out. I imagine whatever has you so upset caused it. I'm going to bring you something to help you relax."_

_Felicity didn't want something to make her sleep, but she didn't argue. The nurse left soon after, glancing at Oliver as she left. When the door closed behind the nurse Oliver sat in the chair next to her, propped his elbows on his needs and buried his face into his hands. Felicity waited._

_"I'm sorry," he said finally and looked up at her. "For getting you upset," he quickly clarified._

_"I've calmed down now," she said, and wanted to offer him a reassuring smile, but it wouldn't come. "Why tell me if you were only go to walk out on me?" He stared at her and she realized she was starting to get pretty annoyed with his lack of responses. "Oliver?"_

_He sighed and pulled the chair closer until he was able to plant his elbows into the mattress and once again rest his forehead in his hands, hiding his face from her. "You almost died," he said softly, "and I kept hating myself for never telling you, but at the same time cursing myself for feeling this way, for letting you get so close to me that you got shot."_

_His words, the tone of his voice, it was full of pain and self loathing and it was all because of her. Again, tears burned her eyes, but she didn't make a sound. Carefully, she lifted her arm with the IV's taped to it, and settled it on back of his head, wanting to soothe him. He sighed in response and seemed to relax. Then he parted his hands, his head lowering until his forehead pressed against her thigh, one of his hands also covering her leg. She resisted the urge to tense at his touch, the last thing she wanted was for him to pull away. Her hand hadn’t followed his head though, and once she recovered she lowered it back._

_“I don’t want this to come out the wrong way,” he began, “I just need to say it.”_

_“O-okay.” Felicity tried to keep the fear out of her voice, because beginning a conversation with the assumption that something might be ‘wrong’ was never a good thing._

_“I didn’t want this,” he paused seeming to gather his thoughts, “and I think I had good reasons. I thought I would ruin probably one of the best friendships I had.”_

_Felicity released a breath, relaxing slightly at his admission, because she understood that fear, she had the same. She wanted to tell him he wasn’t alone in that, but part of her feared if she admitted to it then it might give him reason to actually think anything more then friendship between them was a bad idea. So instead she kept her silence and let him continue._

_“And I knew this would happen. I knew that one day, sooner or later, you’d be lying in a hospital bed just like this.”_

_He paused, breathing deeply, his hand tightening on her thigh. Felicity frowned sadly down at him and brushed her fingers over the bare skin of his neck, telling herself it was okay to touch him like that, even it they hadn’t come to any agreement yet. He lifted his head, but didn’t draw his hand from her thigh, and looked up at her. It hurt to see him so conflicted. Felicity had seen every one of Oliver’s emotions, that she was sure of, but she’d never seen one so strong directed at her._

_“Out of all the women it could have been, I knew if it was you it was going to hurt like this one day, it wouldn’t have happened like this with anyone but you.” His face was an open book to her, no longer shielded as it had been. Now she could see how troubled he was._

_“I thought,” Felicity began, her voice shaking as she made her own admission, one that also troubled her, “no, I knew,” she clarified, her voice becoming slightly steadier even if her heart was pounding, “that I couldn’t do this forever.” He looked at her, brow scrunched slightly in confusion, head tilted as if asking for more information. “Oliver, knowing how you feel, how I feel is one thing, but...” she trailed off and pulled her hand away. She looked down at the blanket and began to finger it, finding herself unable to meet his eyes. “I’ve felt this way for a while, and-and I thought it would go away, but it hasn’t. So...”_

_“So?” He asked and she looked up into his questioning gaze then down again._

_“So, you know, I just resolved to myself that one day I’d have to move on, a-away from you. I’m not ready now, but one day I knew being alone might be to much. So, it would just be best to move on, away from you, with a new life. Find someone that would love me,” her voice shook as she said it. Felicity hated making this admission to him, but it needed to be said. They’d already crossed the line, there was no stopping it now. “And...I don’t want to.” It was then that her eyes once again burned with fresh tears, because the idea of tearing herself from Oliver and forcing herself to find a new life, away from a man that couldn’t love her, broke her heart. It physically made her sick. “Because I don’t think I’d really find what I want, but-.”_

_He moved suddenly, and it was such a shock to her that she hadn’t been able to focus on his movements or his destination. What he intended became obvious though when his lips connected with hers. She made a small muffled sound, which was more shock then anything, then her eyes were closing as she felt his hand slide over her face. It was a brief kiss, soft and sweet. It ended just seconds later, but he didn’t pull away._

_“You’re not leaving,” he said as he looked down at her, his body hovering over her own._

_“N-no?” She asked, stuttering slightly, taken off guard by the sudden kiss and his proximity._

_“We’re going to make this work. Okay?”_

_There was a small smile on his face and it eased all her worries. Felicity found herself smiling back. His thumb moved over her cheek and she though about raising her head to kiss him again, but the door opened. Oliver quickly pulled away, but he didn’t go far, and took a seat again in the chair. His fingers grasped her own and Felicity hated to admit it, but her heart pounded at the realization that everything had suddenly changed. With one decision everything was different between them, he’d kissed her, caressed her face and was now holding her hand. Three years Felicity had known Oliver and not once had their relationship been anything close to that._

_She blinked, lids becoming heavy, trying to focus again on the man in front of her and what was happening. Felicity turned to the nurse and it finally occurred to her that the she had injected something into her drip. “What did you do?” Oliver chuckled and she turned to look at him. “What?”_

_“Felicity, something to relax remember? She just stood there explaining it to you. You said okay,” he said with a small smile, seeming to be slightly amused by her obvious distraction._

_Felicity blinked several times, trying to fight it off. It wasn’t fair though. Just when she’d told Oliver she loved him and he admitted the same, just when they came to an agreement that they wanted to be with one another, she was about to pass out. “I don’t want to sleep Oliver,” she lamented and rested her head back. As she blinked slowly now, she could still see his face in front of her. “Don’t leave,” she found herself whispering, scared of waking up and finding him gone._

_The nurse now gone, Oliver stood against and propped a hand above her head so that he could lean over and press a kiss to her forehead. “I’m not going anywhere.”_

That’s how she found herself breathing heavily in fear of the people around her. They were used to seeing her and Oliver together, as co-workers, as friends, not as a man and a women in a relationship. “I don’t know if I can do this.”

Oliver pulled her to him on the dance floor, one harm around her waist and his other hand holding hers. “Do you need to sit?”

She shook her head hurriedly at his concern. The bullet wound still wasn’t entirely healed, and he’d argued against her attending with him, but she had insisted she was fine. “Everyone’s going to know, they’re going to stare and talk.”

“That’s what happens when you enter into a very public relationship Felicity,” he whispered into her ear. “Why is it your worried about gossip and I’m more worried about the still healing bullet wound?”

“You’re priorities are skewed,” she said simply and looked around at the people surrounding them. His head tilted entering her line of site and she sighed at the knowing look. “Alright, I’m being ridiculous.” He didn’t argue with her though, but he did bring their joined hands to his chest. She sighed and leaned into him, settling her cheek against his chest and letting him lead her in the dance.


End file.
